A Day in the Life
by Nefret429
Summary: Was "Farewell, Sanity"; more season 5 angst, but with ALL of the characters this time. New Rhade chapter up!
1. Farewell, Sanity

I think this is supposed to be a journal entry. At least, that's what my muse tells me, but he's a chronic liar, so I might be wrong... anyway, whatever it is, please R&R! (BTW, first Andromeda fic I've ever actually posted. I've got dozens of others locked away somewhere on my computer. If you're nice and you like this I might finish and post them too. In other words, feedback good, silence bad.)

"... Don't strain,

'cause nothing ever comes from it,

And the people we become, well, they've never been the people who we are."

-- Matchbox 20 "Busted"

I'm not even the same person anymore.

After everything, I just gave up.

But what's wrong with that? And why is some part of me so disgusted with who I've become?

I don't know. Thinking about it gives me a headache. So I continue to drown my disturbing thoughts in moonshine and hide from the truth behind the female inhabitants of Seefra. By the Divine, that sounds like something Dylan would tell me.

He's the only one who hasn't changed very much. He's still as determined as ever. It's just a different goal now. Instead of reconstructing the Commonwealth or fighting for its future, it's getting the Andromeda back in shape so he can restore his now-corrupted dream.

A part of me wants to go with him. That's the logical part, the part that is left over from before the Route of Ages.

So am I now two people? On one side, the charming, respected High Guard officer, who was once leader of the most powerful political movement on Tarazed. Then there's the darker side, the Telemachus Rhade I am now: the cynical, jaded alcoholic who can't seem to get past anything.

The broken warrior.

Every once in a while, something Harper told me once drifts though all the crap floating around in the cest pool that is now my mind. It was part of a story I can't remember at the moment, but it was the one line that stuck: The Universe hates you; deal with it. It was that simple logic, something that could have come strait from my father's mouth that made me realize that maybe we weren't so different after all, Humans and Nietzscheans.

Now I have a headache again. I've concluded that the only viable solution is to stop thinking altogether. So farewell, Sanity. If I have anything to say about it, we shall not meet again.


	2. Chosen One, My Ass

Thanks a bunch for the reviews! Just to clarify a few things for y'all, in this case, by "journal entry" I mean "dark musings in a backwater bar". Sorry for the confusion, I'm not sure I understand me sometimes. Also, sorry about the spelling mistakes; until recently I refused to write anything but school stuff on MS word (I HATE the autocheck function and am far too lazy to turn it off. See? It's doing it again! Autocheck IS a word, you stupid machine!!!), but I still tend to make up words that I've sworn I've heard somewhere before which doesn't really work either.

Anyway, obviously the story has changed (you can read the summary, I'm not repeating it). Hope y'all approve!

Neffy

"Chosen One, My Ass"

Is this what it's come to? At the end of the day, I can't even say for sure who I am.

For a minute I wanted to believe that I wasn't pretending; I wanted that absolute certainty that Avineri had when he saw me. For a moment, I had my father back. Who knows, maybe I am Mala. With what we've been through lately, I open to almost anything.

But when I look in the mirror, all I see is Beka Valentine. The same person I've seen for the last couple of decades. Do people really change when they find out their childhood might have been a lie? That they might be someone else?

What would have happened to little Mala-Propina if she hadn't disappeared? Would she have grown up in fear of the outsiders that she had never before encountered? Married, loved, had children, died in that same little place? Would she have been content there? Or would she have wanted to know about those people and places her entire culture feared? Would she have asked Avineri about them, wanted to go and visit them?

I would never have been able to live in a place like that, especially as a child. I couldn't keep my hands out of anything growing up. And my father never tried to discourage. Would Avineri have? Would he have taught her tact and restraint? Those were lessons Dad didn't know himself. Besides, I've survived on what resulted in their absence. Balls and sass, as Dad used to tell me and Rafe, that and having lots of money. You didn't even have to have that many brains if you had those. That was how you survived in the Valentine universe: balls, sass and cash.

I never would have thought the key to saving this entire system would fall in the hands of a Valentine. Yet here I am. And all I can say to it boils down to four simple words:

Chosen One, my ass.


	3. So Hard Not to Blame

Sorry for not updating sooner. Blame Canada. Or Homecoming week and yearbook deadlines, whichever floats your boat... Anyway, hope y'all had a happy Halloween! Enjoy!

"So hard not to blame..."

It was all so obvious when Argent told me. Everything was a lie. Who I am, who I was, my entire existence, it was all just something Harper made up. I was just a fulfillment of some other person's life. Some other android.

That was what got to me the most, not only that but that he lied about it. That he had the arrogance to think he could pretend to be a God. I never wondered why I never ate, or even why I never drank whatever the bartender poured in my glass.

I never had to question it before now.

Now I can do nothing but question it. Question him. I was built to protect him. What if I tried to leave? Would he try to stop me? Regret having built free will into my... programming?

Worse yet, I was built on the ruins of someone else. I still have flashes of her life, in my dreams and when I see Dylan or sometimes Beka and Trance. I wouldn't say anything, not now. It's almost comforting to have that instinctive knowledge that they ARE our friends... my friends.

Then there are things I seem to know that I just don't understand. Like Rhade, for instance; I keep thinking that he's changed. I don't know why, but I guess it's just residual information. The remnants of her personality; Rommie, the great warship brought to life.

I have to applaud Harper for that much; I look at myself and would never have guessed that I'm not human. And if he could give me such a dynamic personality as this, then she must have been quite impressive.

I know I'm not her, intellectually. But it's hard not to think so when she invades my dreams, whether I'm asleep or not. And it's so hard not to blame Harper for everything.


	4. Everbody's Got a Little Mad Scientist

Sorry for not updating in a while! I'm so glad y'all like this!

BekaMP3: I'm not entirely sure what archiving is (I really haven't paid attention to any of the features when I upload stuff, and if it's something totally unrelated I'm gonna feel really dumb... ï 


	5. Need You

I'm back... Normally, I would go on to Dylan... but I'm not feeling very friendly towards him right now (seriously, everyone else is going though all this crap while he's getting laid... okay, yes, so is Rhade, but he's too hot, and drunk, to blame...). So I'm moving back to everybody's favorite Nietzschean, but it's not gonna be based on an episode like it was supposed to be. Whatever, Rhade fans (or should I say females/gay guys/BekaRhade shippers) rejoice!

"Need You"

"Don't waste your time on me,

You're already the voice inside my head."

I can't remember who sang that song (the one with the creepy video with spiders and lesbian chicks in it), but whoever they are: - (insert name)

Here it goes. The bar is starting to look hazy and I have to listen really hard to hear what- what was her name? K something?- is saying. I think she wants me to come back to her... whatever the hell passes for a home around here. Good, because I don't have one. Scratch that, this bar is home. And now that Harper runs it, I can actually stay here all night without being kicked out before sunrise.

Another sip. Now I can't hear her at all, just a nice buzzing sound. Some insects must have taken up residence in my brain. I think I mumbled something, and knowing my luck it was something rude and characteristically Nietzschean. Yep, slap across the face and I'm now looking at a fuzzy wall.

"Hey, Soup-for-Brains!" someone yells at me, "You mind not scaring away customers? Especially the pretty ones?"

Harper. Who else would say that last part? I wonder how loud he had to yell for me to hear that. By the Divine, the things you think about when you're completely wasted.

"Good, you're here!" Harper has turned his attention elsewhere, probably some girl he's been eyeing, "Could you PLEASE get him somewhere where he can sleep this off and not bother everybody?"

Here we go. Just like everybody else in my life. 'Get out', 'You're a disgrace', 'You're a Nietzschean'. Sometimes I just want to cut off my bone blades and pretend I'm normal. Human. If only to stop the voices.

I vaguely wonder who he wants to get rid of me. Not that I have the energy to get up even if I wanted to, but that's the roving mind of a drunkard again. I manage to turn my head, expecting Dylan.

No, it's Beka, an annoyed look plastered onto her pretty face. She just shakes her head, obviously embarrassed to be around me. Great. Why I'm upset, I don't know. She's always been unattainable; love of my life or not, she'd never give me a backwards glance in that respect. Then there was Louisa; yes she was everything a sane Nietzschean male would have, should have wanted. Yes, I loved her. But not like Beka. Not with that kind of passion.

Thinking about her and Louisa, especially her,always makes me want to cry. And in my current state, I just might up and start bawling. I wonder what she would say if I did?

"Come on, Rhade..." she's saying, pulling me to my feet, dragging me out the door. I don't know where she's planning on taking me, but frankly I could care less if she'll be going too.

The _Maru_. It figures, even though I would have thought she'd want me to stay away from her ship.

My vision is getting worse. I can make out the hatch to the ship, a trellis of some sort, with a few spindly vines climbing it, somehow managing to grow in this Hellhole. A bed. Beka's voice, but she's too far away for me to hear. So far away...

My final thought before giving into the darkness drifted up from the part of me that can still feel. But he's been long broken, his voice only heard in the eternity between waking and sleep. A helpless, echoing cry: Need you...


End file.
